I have several friends coming into town these next few weeks whom I haven’t seen for a long time. I should be thrilled to see them, catch up, have some face-to-face, soul-to-soul time enjoying those rare and cherished friendships that geography and time do not diminish. Instead, my reaction to each of their announcements that they’d be coming was the same: A quickly expanding balloon of excitement deflated by a very quick, sharp dart-of-a-thought about how shabby and flabby I’m feeling. Then they come in quick succession, an entire quiver full of evil, little thought darts: Will they notice the 10 pounds I put on since last year (which was still 10 pounds heavier than I’d like to be)? Is it in our budget for me to run to the store and buy something that can help me feel a little spunkier, a little more glamorous, a little less like a SAHM? Will I be able to find anything I want to wear that actually fits me right?
Of course, this is absolutely ridiculous. These are my friends! They love me! Why am I obsessing over these kinds of things? This is one of those areas in my life that I know I need to put into it’s proper place. It’s loomed far too large, overshadowing much more important things in my life. It doesn’t matter how great I’m feeling about my day or myself or my accomplishments, a subtle reminder of those extra pounds quickly pushes me down that wormhole of self-doubt.
I don’t think I’m alone in this. I recently led a group discussion on body image and beauty and I have my notes but, unfortunately, not all the references. Here’s what I learned:
80% of American women are dissatisfied with their appearance.
81% of 10 year olds are afraid of being fat and in fact, young girls are more afraid of becoming fat than they are of nuclear war, cancer or losing their parents.
24% of women would sacrifice 3 years of their life to be thin.
According to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, a 2007 study found that since 1997 surgical procedures increased 142%, while non surgical procedures have increased 743%.
I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer about spending a little time and money to look and feel good. There’s something natural about primping- even animals in the wild do it! However, what I’m noticing lately is the astounding frequency with which thoughts (usually negative) about my appearance invade my other activities. If I’m being brutally honest, I need to ask myself:
How many times have I turned down an invitation to an event because I wasn’t feeling so great about the way I looked (high school reunions anyone?)
How often have I accepted an invitation, but spent an inordinate amount of time (or money) fretting about what I would wear?
How often have I hesitated (or decided not) to initiate a new relationship because I wondered if I looked good enough or worried about being rejected because of my looks (am I pretty enough, skinny enough, funky enough, chic enough, artsy enough to approach them, join them, befriend them)? What friendships have I missed out on? When I was single, what romances?
How often have concerns about my looks robbed me of some of the joy of a day at the beach, a night out dancing with the girls, “playtime” with my husband, enjoying time with friends or family because I spent too much time focusing on my “flawed” body or comparing myself to prettier or skinnier women there?
If I’m honest with myself, it’s happened more often than I like to admit.
The truth is, I’m not a bad-looking person and I’m am not technically overweight (though I’m not as active as I should be either). The bare naked reality is that even the most beautiful and skinny people in the world still obsess over their looks, wondering if they measure up to some impossibly unobtainable standard of beauty that our society perpetuates.
Of course, it is legitimate to be appropriately concerned about the health risks of over-eating and under-exercising. But for me, it’s like the constant advertising, media-messaging, image-flashing PRESSURE to be perfectly thin, constantly fashionable and have camera-worthy looks is just a heavy weight, keeping me from doing the things I need to do to actually be healthy. And it’s not just external pressure. As long as I’m being honest, I have to admit that much of it comes from my perfectionistic self. The burden of all of it, pressure from myself and society at large, makes me retreat further into whatever escape feels comforting– food, tv, internet, isolation, etc.
If only I could throw the weight of that pressure off and appreciate who I am and all the great things that my body can do, then would I actually be more likely to engage in and enjoy genuinely body-nurturing activities? Would I dare to bare my body at the beach and focus on the sensual way my muscles and skin feel as I glide through the water instead of obsessing about whether anyone is noticing the stretchmarks from my childbirth? Would I hit the dance floor and enjoy the way my body livened up and loosened up when I moved to the music instead of stiffening up and sucking in because I’m worrying about whether my tummy is slightly extending over the buttons on my pants? Would I let myself sink more deeply into the moment with my husband rather than worry about whether or not sitting in this position accentuates the rolls I’m trying to hide?
Additionally, there is the actual, concrete cost of being overly concerned with looks; the time and money lost. The average woman spends 2.5 years of her life washing, styling, cutting, coloring, cramping and straightening her hair. What could Americans do with the over $40 billion (yes, billions with a B!) on dieting and diet-related products each year and the additional tens of billions spent on beauty products?
Think back on the artists, social reformers, innovators and scientists that made the biggest difference in the world. Gandhi, Jesus, Mother Theresa, Frida Kahlo, Rosa Parks… The value they added to each of our lives had nothing to do with their outward beauty. Why am I wasting so much energy worrying about my looks when I could be working on things that actually have a positive impact on the world?
Perhaps most motivating of all are the studies that indicate our very young daughters, from an extremely early age, are picking up on our attitudes about beauty. Forty-two percent of girls in first through third grades want to be thinner. In fact studies reveal girls as young as five worrying about being fat. At 20 months, it is becoming very clear that my daughter is already imitating my demeanor, voice, gestures and attitudes. As I grow older, I recognize more and more the similarities between me and my mother: the curve of her stomach, the texture of her skin. If I hate my body and my daughter grows into the same body, then when legacy have I left for her?
All this rambling to say, I know I need to figure out a way to conquer the self-defeating attitudes and thoughts about my body that I have, but I just don’t know where to start. As one person, I can’t change our looks-obsessed culture and as much as I’d like to just ignore the pressures from the media, it’s impossible to totally isolate myself from the constant messages telling me how I “should” look. Hollywood isn’t going to change anytime soon (although maybe there’s some hope?) All I can do is I try to change the way I process it, perceive it and act on it. Easier said than done. If any read this entry today, what have you done to cast off the burden of idealized beauty and simply enjoy being YOU?
amommymous
I’m with you all the way. What is about a new visitor that makes us think we have to be red-carpet ready? Cursed be to our sex and flat-tummy obsessed culture. (Though the latter wouldn’t be half bad, I gotta say.)